Sunday, January 25, 2009

I need a break. seriously

I'm having a really hard time right now. I didn't think that it was going to be this hard having a level in my room. I feel constantly pulled in many directions, and I'm finding it hard to maintain a calm outlook. Its hard to be within 5 feet of someone, to be in my bedroom, and still have to be so close to someone. Its hard to not be able to listen to music out loud. Its hard to have to find a moment for a private conversation, or to be IN a conversation. My my. I'm starting to sound like I'm complaining. But really, this is my venting system. Its just been really hard for me. I WAS excited about having a new little... well I guess I sort of still am, but its a different excited.... I was excited for so many reasons, and now I'm feeling like I want to take it all back. BAH! AND, to make things not so much better, the girls in my room were having tension with themselves, and then, were feeling like our new little wasn't being honest about stories, and was being disrespectful several times. So today, things just got OVER heated so to speak, and we had to have a room pow wow, the girls, and Megan and I. Lots of tears, but things seem to be much better. Praise the Lord for that... I've been feeling extremely out of balance lately, and its so hard to find balance in "two sides". Not just with littles, but with bigs/littles, and lots of other things. I find harmony in balance, and like I said, I've been struggling so much! Something to pray about...

Other than that, most things are good. I have been meeting with my mentor on a weekly basis, and I love everything about our time together. The biggest thing she has encouraged me in is finances. Shes a math teacher at our school here, and since she loves numbers and budgets (biblical too), it only makes sense that she is strong where I am weak. I feel like a new person after spending time with her. It makes me so happy to have someone to talk to, who KNOWS exactly what it feels like to be a big sister. And, she teaches these kids too! Talk about awesome. I've been extremely blessed. 

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately, and what my next step will be in August. I've had several things passing through my brain, including going back to Maui (which I MISS and would LOVE), going to Oregon (could be hard, but really good), and staying here in Missouri to be a house director (maybe??). The application process for house directors starts in a few weeks. I admit to fear in this area because of others that are applying, and thinking that I don't have the abilities or gifting to do this. But I have been assured and reassured in these things. Applying is what I want to do, and have been encouraged to... its a matter of actually doing it. I feel like Maui fits yet doesn't, and same with Oregon. Staying here doesn't really have any weight. I want to do what the Lord calls me to do, and I'm still waiting on his direction. But I do feel that he has given me desire for this, so maybe he wants me to apply. MAYBE, my future job isn't a job yet... lots of maybes. The process for HD is long and hard, but rewarding in the end. Another thing to pray about.... 

My mom is coming next week, and I couldn't be more excited!!! I cant wait for awesome hang out time!!!

Things to pray about:
1. Finding balance in everyday life.
2. Creating a loving room with our new little, and finding time to spend with the other two, and my co-big.
3. Future plans, that I seek what the Lord is calling me to.
4. Financial provisions, that I TRUST that the Lord WILL provide for me, regardless of what he as already done.
5. Finding strength in Him ALONE, that I be able to fully rely on Him. 
6. REST.

1 comment:

Leeann said...

Great to talk to you yesterday Chels! Here's a little Hebrews 12 to encourage you:
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet,"[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.