Monday, March 23, 2009

Its a new house...

Spring break is over... sadly. BUT I did have a great few days of doing absolutely nothing. I like doing nothing, its my way of relaxing. 

I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy, which I know can be very secular, but it really helped me to grieve the loss of my step mom. I have not been able to do that here very much because of how intense and chaotic it is all by itself. Grey's helps me to cry and let out emotion that I normally wouldn't even dare to just have all alone. This place is just hard to fully grieve, and even just struggle. I've been struggling a lot with Jeanne's death, and more so, I've realized that Im carrying my dad's burdens. I don't know how to not do this, but Im starting to learn how not to. But its hard. And, my dad is still really struggling with her death, and thats to be expected. I do worry about him a lot... but like I said, Im trying to not carry burdens for him. 

Aside from that, we have two new levels in the house, which makes things feel totally different than before. The girls are pretty typical teenage girls... all they are into and talk about are boys, boys, boys... which makes me INSANE! It also makes me really happy that I have the girls that I have. God is so sovereign, for sure. I am just so happy that God is the way he is. 

I feel extremely blessed to be where Im at, learning the things I am. Its hard at times, but I am truly happy. I feel a bit better about my financial stuff, and that I have a handle on that, thanks to my awesome mentor, Rachel! And, it seems that everything is just going well. 

Things I need prayer for:
1. Financial provision for the coming months, and that I have full faith that he will provide
2. Stress/anxiety levels to be LOWER than they are most of the time
3. Patience and wisdom for the new levels
4. Solid relationships to be renewed and strengthened

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Another one leaves and more chaos...

Another one graduated today... Unfortunately, I decided that rest was more important. Sad, I know. Especially since she was my little a few months ago. Its great that she graduated, it almost didnt happen. I think her future is very bright.

So, here they are, my first two littles, Savannah and Casey!
(Savannah, me, Erin, and Casey, right around Christmas)

They are so precious! I miss them like crazy already!
Anyways... Things have been going alright. I have a lot of things swimming around my head lately...

My dad is having a really difficult time right now. I dont know that he has/is really grieving, but I think thats to be expected. My heart aches for him, and how I wish I was there with him. I dont really know how to encourage him, other than to call and send him encouraging scriptures.
I think that, after processing this, I am carrying his burdens for him, that I am bearing a lot of that stuff. I dont know why, or how to stop doing this. Its a hard thing to "unlearn"...

My middle child, and I feel like I need to name her for your sake... how about "Amy". Okay. SO, Amy still has a lot of anger issues, and actually lashed out on me last Friday morning, again. This time was more hurtful than the rest, and really freaked me out (on the inside). She has a perfomanced based outburst, expecting a reaction... and I just stood there. AH! It was terrible. Thankfully, after talking to her counselor, we had to find some new techniques to really respond and deal with her. After school, she came to me with an apology note and a better attitude. We were able to process through it, and came to a pretty good conclusion. Its hard, but Im learning, and so is she. AND, pretty soon she will be level 3, which means I dont have to worry about being attached to her anymore, or be in her conversations anymore. SOOOO wonderful!!!

My other two, the newest, lets call her "Becca", and the oldest, "Kate", are doing pretty well. They all have their moments, but thats life. Becca is slowly coming out of her shell, which is great, and Im teaching her to really speak up and use her words. Sounds silly. But true. And Kate is getting close to level 4, which is awesome! I love all my girls... even when its hard, like a true parent would. Im a parent. Crazy.
Im also trying to sort out some relationships, which is hard, and scary all at the same time. I hate conflict, but also know its neccessary to grow.... dang! I will get there, to a place thats easier to confront and etc... but until then, its going to be messy. YUCK.

Im trying to think about what else I was going to say.... I cant really remember. My brain has poured out so much lately, its hard to really retain.
Things I need prayer for:
1. Financial provision.
2. My dad... that a) I would full give the burdens I feel to the Lord to carry and b) that he can grieve fully, in time.
3. My patience, its wearing a little bit thin...
4. My relationship with the Lord, that it be renewed and more, and deeper.
5. My attitude, that I can really appreciate where the Lord has me, and be OKAY with it...
6. What my future holds, and how to be patient.
7. My relationships, that they can be renewed and great.

Thanks for reading!

Savannah and I at her baptism!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Learning. Lots of it.

Hey all... Well, its been crazy. My life is crazy. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I dont.

Well, lets start with the sometimes I dont part. Turns out, I do have one of the new littles from last week. BUT, thank the Lord, its a good thing for my room and my two littles. The "middle child" of mine (the newest before the NEW one last week), has been acting out, and its been extremely difficult on me. Last week was trying, and hard, and I hated a lot of it. She has a lot of anger issues, and tends to "lash out" on me most of the time. Im working on a few techniques to deal with her, and so far, its working a bit. Its also helping me to work on me. My newest little, from last week, has been doing well. She is soft spoken, and has some pretty crazy issues. I didnt think it would be this hard having two levels, but Im the only one of our group that has ever had two levels at once, and its HARD. I feel like I constantly need help with them, and need a lot of time TO BREATHE!!!!! Having someone attached to me is like not having air. Bad analogy, but its how I feel sometimes. ANyways, Im working through it. Sometimes I ask God why, why, why, but I know that I dont need to know the answer. I do need to know though that God is sovereign, and that all things work for his good. I might not like some of this stuff, but its certainly making me, forcing me to grow.... dang!

Also, there have been several "personal" battles going on with me... selfishness, entitlement, and lonliness. Its hard, and I hate it, but its stuff that needs to be worked through, as all things... and Im feeling a sense of getting to the top of the hill and working my way down, as opposed to climbing up, like I felt like I was yesterday. ONE day at a time... seriously. One day at a time.

Tonight, the guy house directors had a little concert at Starbucks, (where Im currently typing my fastest because I only HAVE 10 mins left until they kick me out!!!!), and it was awesome. A TON, well, a lot of the Doulos people came to see him, as well as some of the guy littles. I got to spend time with some of my favorite people, it was so cool. The Lord knew that I needed that... and it was in addition to my sweet, and most favorite time of the week with my mentor!!!! I sat next to the associate Staff, Erin, and it was like she was speaking to my heart. She asks the right questions, and I love that about her. I felt like it was so right that I was sitting there, having her talk to the deepest places of my heart. Then, after she left, I got to sit next to one of the staff counselors, Joani. SHE IS SO cool too. We got to talk about a few littles, which I try to not do on my days off, but shes SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO insightful and supportive. Then our convo moved on to dating and my singleness, and its just so cool to see how God moves in a conversation to really speak to people, like me. Shes encouraging, and so just, awesome. I love that word I guess. God used two different people, whom I care so much for, to really speak to me. I felt the hand of God on my heart tonight, and its nice because I really needed it.

SO, I only have 5 minutes left... I need prayer!

1. My middle child, her anger, and MY sanity in that.
2. My own issues, working through them with love, and with an open heart.
3. Still financial provision.... and that I can have more trust in that area.
4. My family, I feel is falling apart.... prayer for health, jobs, and healing
5. My spiritual life, that I can keep it alive, and keep praying for strength to come from him, because its the only place I can get it.
6. My singleness... that I can keep on being content in where God has me...........
8. My future, and the options that God has lined up, and that doors open and shut accordingly, and that I can be obidient to the call of the LORD!
9. Strength TO ENDURE this hard time

But I praise the Lord that I've had an awesome day off, and that I am surrounded by a community that loves me, and that holds me accountable. I praise the Lord that I am being stretched beyond my own reasoning, and that I am growing, even when its painful.

Thank you for your support in reading this, it encourages me more that you can even begin to imagine... But if you're looking for a more creative way to encourage me, try these things that bring more life to my heart: notes/cards in the mail, pictures, emails, gift cards, facebook emails, and PHONE CALLS!

Love you all, thanks for stoppin by... they are turning lights out!