Sadness sweeps me

Its been such a hard week...

The weather around here has not been good. We had what they call here, an ice storm, where it "rains", and then it freezes, then it sleets then it snows. And today, it melts. So that started happening on Monday afternoon. It was SO bad on Tuesday, school was cancelled, which means that we are on coverage ALL day. Then the power went out at dinner for 20 mins, and then again at 9 until the middle of the night. School was cancelled again yesterday, Wednesday. Thankfully, I had the day off and didnt have to deal with it. 

I'm having a lot of trouble with my new little. This has been a trying week. She's only been here for 7 days, but already, Megan (co big) and I are hitting a wall. Our little is disrespectful and the other girls are still having a hard time with her. She is very needy, and expects a lot out of us, speaking for her etc. BUT that will not FLY! She got her first major consequence today, and sadly, Im glad she got it. She needs to learn time management! AH! I feel like Im complaining. Oh well. Please pray that she learns kind words, and that Megan and I can learn how to "deal" with her!

So the sad part of this, is on Tuesday night, my sister called, which is averagely normal, and asked if I had talked to my dad recently. She then told me that my stepmom, Jeanne's health is getting worse, and that I should call him. I was extremely upset, as I am sensitive to anything dealing with my dad, we're really close. I decided that since I was so upset, I should call my mom instead, shes usually the one to calm me down. She is coming tonight to spend the weekend with me, so thats a great thing. But she offered to change her tickets so I could go to Vegas instead of her coming here. Then she called my dad for me. When he called me back, we talked about Jeanne, and her condition. So basically, the tumor she had in her brain spread to all over her brain, and is causing the condition now. There is nothing else the doctors can do for her, so its really just a matter of time. As much as I want to go home right now, Im thankful that the Lord has provided my mom to come visit, such a blessing. And, its early still that my dad doesnt really think he needs me there yet. But soon, he will. Im blessed to live and work in such a community that leaving is possible. I hate to think if I was still in Maui working for a corporation. But this place is providing me emotional support and love, which is something I really need right now. 

I ask that you pray for me during this time. I need all the prayers I can get. Im not sure if Jeanne knows the Lord, so I ask that you please pray for her salvation. Financially speaking, I need prayer that the Lord provide for me to go home when the time comes. This is probably the biggest prayer that I need right now. 

Please pray!

1. Financial provision to fly home to Las Vegas.

2. Comfort and peace for my dad and Jeanne, and her family.

3. Extra love for my new little.

I need a break. seriously

I'm having a really hard time right now. I didn't think that it was going to be this hard having a level in my room. I feel constantly pulled in many directions, and I'm finding it hard to maintain a calm outlook. Its hard to be within 5 feet of someone, to be in my bedroom, and still have to be so close to someone. Its hard to not be able to listen to music out loud. Its hard to have to find a moment for a private conversation, or to be IN a conversation. My my. I'm starting to sound like I'm complaining. But really, this is my venting system. Its just been really hard for me. I WAS excited about having a new little... well I guess I sort of still am, but its a different excited.... I was excited for so many reasons, and now I'm feeling like I want to take it all back. BAH! AND, to make things not so much better, the girls in my room were having tension with themselves, and then, were feeling like our new little wasn't being honest about stories, and was being disrespectful several times. So today, things just got OVER heated so to speak, and we had to have a room pow wow, the girls, and Megan and I. Lots of tears, but things seem to be much better. Praise the Lord for that... I've been feeling extremely out of balance lately, and its so hard to find balance in "two sides". Not just with littles, but with bigs/littles, and lots of other things. I find harmony in balance, and like I said, I've been struggling so much! Something to pray about...

Other than that, most things are good. I have been meeting with my mentor on a weekly basis, and I love everything about our time together. The biggest thing she has encouraged me in is finances. Shes a math teacher at our school here, and since she loves numbers and budgets (biblical too), it only makes sense that she is strong where I am weak. I feel like a new person after spending time with her. It makes me so happy to have someone to talk to, who KNOWS exactly what it feels like to be a big sister. And, she teaches these kids too! Talk about awesome. I've been extremely blessed. 

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately, and what my next step will be in August. I've had several things passing through my brain, including going back to Maui (which I MISS and would LOVE), going to Oregon (could be hard, but really good), and staying here in Missouri to be a house director (maybe??). The application process for house directors starts in a few weeks. I admit to fear in this area because of others that are applying, and thinking that I don't have the abilities or gifting to do this. But I have been assured and reassured in these things. Applying is what I want to do, and have been encouraged to... its a matter of actually doing it. I feel like Maui fits yet doesn't, and same with Oregon. Staying here doesn't really have any weight. I want to do what the Lord calls me to do, and I'm still waiting on his direction. But I do feel that he has given me desire for this, so maybe he wants me to apply. MAYBE, my future job isn't a job yet... lots of maybes. The process for HD is long and hard, but rewarding in the end. Another thing to pray about.... 

My mom is coming next week, and I couldn't be more excited!!! I cant wait for awesome hang out time!!!

Things to pray about:

1. Finding balance in everyday life.

2. Creating a loving room with our new little, and finding time to spend with the other two, and my co-big.

3. Future plans, that I seek what the Lord is calling me to.

4. Financial provisions, that I TRUST that the Lord WILL provide for me, regardless of what he as already done.

5. Finding strength in Him ALONE, that I be able to fully rely on Him. 

6. REST.

Its going to be interesting.... PRAY for me.

I have had such a great week! I moved into the house about a week and a half ago. I got the room that I wanted, such a blessing. I'm on the first floor off of the living room. It can be bad, but thankfully, the rooms are pretty sound proof... for a house full of girls that is. I have only two girls, but only for two more days. I got to keep one of my littles that I had in the cabin, and she just got a level, and will be graduating soon! The other little is someone I'm really excited to have, we get along great, and I feel like my influence will be a good thing. I have a room for three girls, but since I only have two, I will get the new little on Thursday. Its bittersweet for me, but something that happens around here. I just told my girls about an hour ago, and they were upset, sad and frustrated, but had to know that it could happen sometime. Some of the things that are a bummer are that new littles are on level one when they come, meaning that they cannot listen to music out loud for three weeks, and they have to be 5 feet from a big at all times. Mainly me. Pretty much like I said, bittersweet. 

Aside from that, I've been feeling blessed lately. A lot of it is my new room, and my co-big Megan. Shes so awesome. Also, I have felt the blessing from the Lord, and His provision. Its fun to see what He can do! I sent out so many letters, I'm praying that He provide through my time here. I've been blessed by conversations with bigs and staff members, and through their relationships. I've been blessed by doing things I didn't/don't want to do. I've been blessed by so many other things, I don't know if I can name them all. 

We are moving the Doulos offices into our BRAND NEW BUILDING! Its SOOOO COOL! LeadTime classes finally have a place to be! We have a HUGE new kitchen and dining hall, and the best part, its NEW. We've been spending a lot of time cleaning and moving stuff, and cleaning and moving stuff. Its going to be so awesome. Check out some of the pictures here: http://doulosconstruction.blogspot.com . 

Some things you can pray for:

1. Continued provision from the Lord. 

2. A smooth transition from two littles to three littles on Thursday, for all parties involved.

3. A renewed sense of peace and hope, which is already making its appearance in my life. 

4. Safe travels for my mom coming next week!!!! YAY!

5. REST!

Thanks for reading my blog, it truly encourages me! Please drop a line sometime!!!

After the storm is always calm....

Finally, room to breathe, time to write. Incredible. 

My holidays were mostly crazy and also laid back. I stayed here at Shelterwood for Christmas, and it was good.... hard and tiring at times, but good. After Christmas, I had 6 days off plus my day off, so that was wonderful. Two staff members opened their homes to me so I didnt have to stay on property, which would have been UN fun. It was the best six days I could have asked for. I stayed inside on the couch, watched movies, tv and read books. I didnt go outside unless I was going somewhere, which was only 2 of the days. I know what you're thinking... WHY!? Because thats relaxation to me. DOING NOTHING! Awesome. 

We have new bigs!!!!!!!!! FINALLY! Its really great that we do. We have 3 new girls, two of them are already here, and the other comes on Friday. We also got 2 new guys, and maybe one more. HOW exciting. Now we have 10 girl bigs, and 12 girl littles. Almost a one to one ratio... makes things soooo much easier. Now we have more freedom to take the girls places, and do more fun things. Its going to be awesome. Also this week, we have room changes! Im so excited for this because living in the cabin outside is getting old. I dont have any personal things or space in the house, so its going to be great to have my own space here. Although, it might be hard finding quiet in the house when I move in too. That also means I get new littles too. I could have 2 or three, depending on what room etc. Im looking forward to the changes!!! I will make sure to write about what they are like when that happens. We find out tomorrow, but changes wont happen until Saturday morning. 

I had a pretty rough day today. I got a migraine after breakfast and was down until lunchtime. It was a horrible way to start the day, and now Im pretty tired and sore and just blah. I havent had a migraine since last summer, and it was nothing compared to this one. AH! I hate headaches so much!!!

Im finding that computer usage while on property is getting more and more hard. I hate not having a mac computer. I have a pc, but due to privacy, only mac's get internet here. If I want internet, I have to borrow from someone who has a mac, or use the house computer when there are no littles around, or go to a book store or coffee shop (but I dont have a car, so that can be hard too). THe reason Im bringing this up, is to ask for a little help. If anyone who reads this has an old mac with internet that they would be willing to donate or sell to me for a reasonable price, I would be grateful. However, I know that this is a huge request, and understand that it is probably not possible... but its worth a try...

I hope everyone is well!!!

Things to pray for:

1. The migraine plague, that it leave me ALONE!!!

2. Room changes, that I be open to who I get for littles, and that it go smoothly.

3. The possibility of a new computer.... ?

4. The Lords provision financially.