Saturday, August 8, 2009

Fasting and moving on...

Hey everyone!

I apologize for the delay in writing a new blog! Life is abundantly busy.... Here is a recap.

Two week fast from Facebook and The World Race. Thats right, I took a TWO week fast from those two things. A fellow racer suggested it to me, and I decided that would be a great thing. Turns out, it was. There were several reasons I did it. For one, God was slowly taking a backseat to my World Race stuff. Thats not fair to God at all. I needed to spend more time with him, and to really focus on my walk with him. The race became an idol, and it was time to let that stop. I also took the time to seek the Lord on where he wanted me next. I was planning on Vegas because it was "easy". God shut the door for that opportunity, and it crushed me. It still crushes me. More about this later. Throughout my fast, there was a lot of conflict thrown in my direction. I felt it from every which way. Mostly though, I had conflict with the little sisters. There was the occasional conflict with big sisters too. Nothing major. Im tired of conflict!!! The fast from facebook was not difficult, nor was it tempting. Overall, I learned a lot from this time. I learned that God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11), and I need to have faith to let him work it out.

Even though I feel like I learned that, Im really having a hard time believing that. I dont know where the disconnect is either. Vegas is not where God wants me, he shut the door. He is still shutting doors left and right. There are no open doors to walk through. The most frustrating part of all of this is that I have to leave Doulos in three weeks. Three weeks and still no plan. Its hard because I want to badly to have a plan, and to have a good one at that. But I feel that God is silent. I feel like I cant hear him speaking to me. WHY? I dont know. Like I said, I feel lost.

On Thursday, I graduated from LeadTime. I bet you're thinking, "its been a year already?" I think that all the time. Its weird though, being done with LeadTime, but still being here. During our graduation, we were given silly awards that are mostly made of inside jokes and the likes. Its kind of like a story about your life after LeadTime. Mine involved the race, vanilla diet pepsi, and my skill to get all of my overdraft fees reversed. It ended with me opening a massage and hula residential care facility in Maui. TOO funny. We also get a letter read to us by the LT Womens Director. It was beautiful. The Doulos site director gave us all a charge at the end. I feel like that message was for me. He challenged us to really seek the Lord rather than to seek the stay/go sign from him. I dont know how to not do this. I want to seek the go signs, and the what am I doing signs. But I think he is telling me to seek him. Below is a pic of LeadTime 29 and 29.5 (they graduate in Dec). One big happy family!

This is where Im lost. I hear these relevant topics of seeking the Lord. I ask the Lord to shut doors and he does. But Im also asking him to open doors, and not seeing that happen. I feel like I've laid this at his feet. But have I really done that? I dont know! I dont know how to make that happen. I dont know how to let this go. I want to control it so badly. I want to control it because I feel like I wont have a plan if I dont. What a terrible place to be. Thats how I feel. Im trying to give this to the Lord. I really am. BUT its just not going well.

Please be praying for me, I really need it. I need wisdom, guidance and hope.

Like I said earlier, there are three weeks left until I leave Doulos. In reality, there are two weeks left with the girls, and there is a week of break. We most likely (could change) will not have any littles around the whole week, with the exception of a few for the first weekend. When they leave on the 21st, we are saying goodbye for good. When they return a week later from break, they have new big sisters, and really have to start all over again. There are three 29.5 big sisters, that that will provide some stability for them. I cant imagine what its like for them to lose 7 big sisters and get 7 new ones. That would be awful. Im really trying to make the best of the next two weeks, and to really pursue them so that they would feel loved. I dont want to have regrets, although thats not possible all the time. I am going to strive for that. Its going to be so hard to leave, I dont know that I can even think about it. Not yet anyways... but I almost have to because leaving means leaving, which means I still dont have a plan...

And that brings me full circle with life currently. Again, please be praying for me!

Love you!

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