Sunday, February 22, 2009

Changes... LOTS of them all at freakin' once

Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel like I dont know what the heck Im doing. I think I've said that before. It doesnt help that I need to know what Im doing for "work".... SO I think my brain has been "jumbled" lately with all sorts of things. 

Im still trying to fully process the loss of my stepmom. I dont really have "time to grieve", but its also probably the best thing too. I feel overwhelmed with sadness for my dad. I tried to take care of him while I was home, and I cant help but hope that he is doing alright, without me. He has a dog now, Poncho, so thats a little bit comforting. Yesterday, it was three weeks. I think that every Saturday for awhile will remind me of the loss, and how my dad is feeling. It breaks my heart. Also, since Valentines Day was their anniversary, and this year, marked two weeks, I dont know if that day will ever really be anything other than a sad day. My heart literally aches. 

Its been really hard being back, its been 2 weeks now, but still. Since I wish I was there, its hard. One of my littles really pulled away from me when I got back, and that was just hard for me. It felt like I had done something wrong, but in reality, these kids have issues, and thats just one of them. It hurt, but things are going better now. My newest little has been causing me a bit of stress as well. She is extremely defiant when things dont go her way, and is currently in the "poor me" stage. I think though, praise God, that things are on the upswing. That makes me really happy. My other little, the one I've had since I got here, is graduating tomorrow! (I will post pics and her name tomorrow night).  Im speaking at her graduation, what and honor! Im so excited that she is getting to go home. But its also bittersweet. 

In other news, just when I thought I was going to have two littles again, I was proved wrong... We're getting two new girl littles this week. And, I am most likely getting one of them. My newest little is still a level, but only for 3 more weeks or so. That means she is still "attached" to me, and is still conversation restricted. IF I get the other new one, that means I will have two levels for a while. If that happens, I pray that it wont be as hard as the first one. I pray that it will go WELL! AHHHH!!!! Its bittersweet. Thats the only word that I can really use to describe this. I want it, but dont. More like I want it. I think. 

Lets see.... I still feel swallowed whole by financial crap. I need prayer for this area of my life!!

Things to pray for:
1. Financial provisions and help
2. Patience. LOTS AND LOTS of Patience. 
3. That God works in my heart to change my attitude about lots of different things. 
4. Did I mention patience??

Thanks for reading. It helps keep me sane! :)

1 comment:

Leeann said...

I think two levels at once can't be nearly as hard as double the work of one, so maybe it will be a blessing in disguise. Hang in there lady--you are there for a purpose!